shock - ?

so I was studying in this office building the other evening. on my way out, some security guys were taking the cash out/in of an atm machine. one guy had the bag of money while the other guy stood watch.

this isn't all that unusual, except that the dude in the back had his gun brandished. I'm used to seeing fireamrs, but not held 'active' like that.

these guys were in the hallway I had to walk down so I paused, then the guy motioned me to go ahead. so I walked past, kinda nervous about walking right in front of the guy holding out his gun (not looking it of course!) He was totally facing me & basically pointing the gun forward & down the whole time - right about where my waist would be passing by.

I walked by, got in the elevator to my car. As I did, all kinds of movie-esque/stupid/morbid ideas popped into my head - mainly ending w/ me somehow getting shot. And here's the wierd thing

my body felt a little like it was going into shock

you know? the sensation of the blood in your body withdrawing from your appendages and all focusing on your torso area? it was nearly tangible as I imagined getting shot.

Funny thing is, I've never gone into shock so much as I can remember - even when i tore my acl, or when I needed stitches in my hand.

Wierd - but kinda cool, too.

thinking...

Gaston: "LaFue I'm afraid I've been thinking..."
LaFue: "A dangerous pasttime-"
Gaston: "I know."

haha, anyone remember that?

I think too much.

I thought I had set it aside, but it's flaring back up again.

My battles with it - is it coping or supressing?

Coping as in "you have your settled reasons, stick with them for now"

Supressing as in fighting the thoughts that say "this isn't it; there's some else you were MADE to do"

I think that's why I've liked the John Eldredge books so much. His writing is literally about that voice I'm always trying to ignore. About the struggle between thinking that it's just idealism and stuffing it down - versus risking it and stepping out into it.

Two years ago, I stepped out. My heart just hasn't stepped into anything yet.

And recently a new voice has emerged saying "if your gift is teaching/communicating, your responsibility is to go teach h.s. kids"

My response: "I don't want 'responsibility' to be the main drive for why I choose a path" But perhaps that's it?

ok, I'm sounding pretty schizo now, ay? different voices & I'm talking back to them! haha I need to hurry up to my church retreat down in SD!

The compromise for now - stay on this path toward dentistry that keeps options open; see if I can go abroad for a year; decide after.