Been back for a whole week now. Virginia was great. We just chilled, watched videos. Gotta upload pictures of Taylor soon! You'll all love her!! Funny thing, on the way back, I got stuck in Vegas because the second leg of my flight got cancelled! Got a free hotel room and on my way to the shuttle, I ran into I-Fang! Turns out she was stuck one night too! So we hung out, donated some money to Las Vegas and each flew out the next morning.
Back in SoCal, I got to see my friend Rob Cho get married to Chrstina Min (now Cho). It was great to see him get hitched and also to see old friends - some of whom I haven't seen in years! Paul & Linda & Micah, Robin & Irene & Karis, Sam Whang, Jang Bae, Ernie Noh, Phil & Nikki Wang, and other friends that I do see everysooften. Good times. Didn't dance tho - too tired and had too long a drive home (since my parents live way out in crazy Fontana!! - about an hour inland from all the LA, OC stuff.)
Anyways, this week has been very tough but very blessing. I am such the nation of Israel! Fell into a moderately depressed mood of over-introspection again. Had some desperate times of prayer and a very challenging and helpful conversation with Harold, and after going back to one of my favorite, but haven't-read-in-a-long-time books, Spiritual Depression, I was reminded of these ideas of preaching to one's self, focusing on God and not ourselves, and realizing that the 'heaviness' and 'darkness' I'm feeling is actually a conviction of sin - that I am not loving God with all my heart, soul, and mind - and due to a lack of discipline to feed my soul. It is being forcefully impressed upon me through the hunger and inner turmoil of my soul just how much I need Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, and my Father in heaven to save me, to bring me security, to give me hope, and a meaningfulness to life. But this burden, it was diffrent this time. A bit more acute, but not so much about not 'performing' as such, but a despair over the state and the coldness and lostness of myheart. I have no inward motivation toward anything, and have felt miserable over that.
If the 2001 & 2002's main struggle of unbelief was manifested in guilt, I think it is safe to say that 2003's word for me is LOST. I feel lost. But in my trusting of God's being at work, I would see it as this. After the fallout of '01 & '02, I saw how much of my life was motivated by a greed to establish my own perfect reputation - that was my righteousness. Guilt was the negative fallout of having that idol taken away, of being unplugged from that feeding line of negative motivations. Now, I'm in that transition stage where I don't know what to have motivate me. I know rationally that is it to be a relationship with God Himself, and a heart for His glory that should motivate my life; but getting my heart to pour forth that sort of fountain of living water is something I cannot do on my own...but I do have my part that God has prescribed. Where I used to think that if I do the right things, that it'll just happen, I see now how desperately I need God's help, indeed His regenerating power to put in me a heart of flesh to replace this heart of stone (is that from a song somewhere?). =)
Anyways, waking up in the middle of the night to read some good preaching from Martyn Lloyd Jones and then falling asleep afterwards was great. Painful, but good. And I'm starting to see, this is supposed to be the daily experience of everyday life as a child of God before Jesus returns and we are perfected. Okay, so maybe not waking up in the middle of the night - but the whole experience of deeply feeling our need for salvation, and hearing the word of truth that tells us about a God who is mighty to save, and has done so through His Son, Jesus Christ and impresses it upon our own souls by His Holy Spirit - *that* is a 'quiet time'!
And you know, I was about to end this entry with a sigh and note what a slow learner I am - but that too is focusing on myself. No, tonite I will end with the goodness of God, who helped me in prayer to focus on Him and who HE is. He is the God of Israel, faithful to His promises, awesome in terror, holy sovereign and loving, tenderhearted with lovingkindness whose glory is to be spread thoughout the earth, and who dwells in me. Thank you for your mercy, Lord God. May I know Jesus and the sweetness of His friendship more and more.
Back in SoCal, I got to see my friend Rob Cho get married to Chrstina Min (now Cho). It was great to see him get hitched and also to see old friends - some of whom I haven't seen in years! Paul & Linda & Micah, Robin & Irene & Karis, Sam Whang, Jang Bae, Ernie Noh, Phil & Nikki Wang, and other friends that I do see everysooften. Good times. Didn't dance tho - too tired and had too long a drive home (since my parents live way out in crazy Fontana!! - about an hour inland from all the LA, OC stuff.)
Anyways, this week has been very tough but very blessing. I am such the nation of Israel! Fell into a moderately depressed mood of over-introspection again. Had some desperate times of prayer and a very challenging and helpful conversation with Harold, and after going back to one of my favorite, but haven't-read-in-a-long-time books, Spiritual Depression, I was reminded of these ideas of preaching to one's self, focusing on God and not ourselves, and realizing that the 'heaviness' and 'darkness' I'm feeling is actually a conviction of sin - that I am not loving God with all my heart, soul, and mind - and due to a lack of discipline to feed my soul. It is being forcefully impressed upon me through the hunger and inner turmoil of my soul just how much I need Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, and my Father in heaven to save me, to bring me security, to give me hope, and a meaningfulness to life. But this burden, it was diffrent this time. A bit more acute, but not so much about not 'performing' as such, but a despair over the state and the coldness and lostness of myheart. I have no inward motivation toward anything, and have felt miserable over that.
If the 2001 & 2002's main struggle of unbelief was manifested in guilt, I think it is safe to say that 2003's word for me is LOST. I feel lost. But in my trusting of God's being at work, I would see it as this. After the fallout of '01 & '02, I saw how much of my life was motivated by a greed to establish my own perfect reputation - that was my righteousness. Guilt was the negative fallout of having that idol taken away, of being unplugged from that feeding line of negative motivations. Now, I'm in that transition stage where I don't know what to have motivate me. I know rationally that is it to be a relationship with God Himself, and a heart for His glory that should motivate my life; but getting my heart to pour forth that sort of fountain of living water is something I cannot do on my own...but I do have my part that God has prescribed. Where I used to think that if I do the right things, that it'll just happen, I see now how desperately I need God's help, indeed His regenerating power to put in me a heart of flesh to replace this heart of stone (is that from a song somewhere?). =)
Anyways, waking up in the middle of the night to read some good preaching from Martyn Lloyd Jones and then falling asleep afterwards was great. Painful, but good. And I'm starting to see, this is supposed to be the daily experience of everyday life as a child of God before Jesus returns and we are perfected. Okay, so maybe not waking up in the middle of the night - but the whole experience of deeply feeling our need for salvation, and hearing the word of truth that tells us about a God who is mighty to save, and has done so through His Son, Jesus Christ and impresses it upon our own souls by His Holy Spirit - *that* is a 'quiet time'!
And you know, I was about to end this entry with a sigh and note what a slow learner I am - but that too is focusing on myself. No, tonite I will end with the goodness of God, who helped me in prayer to focus on Him and who HE is. He is the God of Israel, faithful to His promises, awesome in terror, holy sovereign and loving, tenderhearted with lovingkindness whose glory is to be spread thoughout the earth, and who dwells in me. Thank you for your mercy, Lord God. May I know Jesus and the sweetness of His friendship more and more.
