Cal basketball was ranked 20th this week!! ...and then we lost to ASU. Darn. We'll see how we do against #1 Arizona tomorrow.
Last weekend was so fun! I got to golf, take communion at church, and watch the SuperBowl. Too bad the Raiders lost so bad, tho - I was really hoping they'd win. But I'm happy for Warren Sapp and John Gruden. But since then, man, work's been nasty this week. There late every night, everyone's tired & stressed - kinda running outta gas. I think we all need a vacation. But then again, that's part of the problem, one of our team memebers just went to India for a month so the other 4 of us are gonna have to pick up her work.
But I gotta catch myself & not complain. So many people are looking for work right now, trying to pay off debts, stuck where they're at, etc. Overall, I'm in a very good spot, possessing the freedom to stay or to move (which I will eventually) and I'm debt free. But then question becomes "to where?" Toward what vocation will I move? Everyday these days, when I go to work, I'm thinking to myself that I really don't like programming anymore - not that I ever really *liked* it, but it was easily tolerable. These days, it's almost maddening, the detail to which we have to work.
[small aside from my main train of thought regarding meaningfulness & work - in terms of being someone who's good with details - I realize I don't like what programming does to me in terms of being detail oriented. Being detail oriented is the positive spin on being petty/picky - which is something I don't want to be anymore. I'm starting to see that programming is all about thinking of small details as very important, and they are; but that's exactly what being petty is & it's so easy for that to carry over to other areas of my life. For example, in writing code, choosing to write a loop one way over another can cause your program to run slower or faster. And people at work (and especially my manager) can talk about this detail for hours! I see this happening to me and my coworkers where we'll debate about which way out of the parking lot is faster, I think alot about how I walk somewhere or how I organize things! Argh! It's so lame. I feel in me a desire and a movement toward thinking about the 'big picture'. Not interested in details so much as vision and ideas. Where I'm going and what it means is becoming much more prominent than being efficient or accurate. Programming is NOT the place for this kind of urge to have it's expression....]
Whew! Ok, with that out of my system, let me get back to my main point. So yeah, I feel like programming itself is so meaningless. Sure, the money I make supports the church and other efforts, I can be a witness at work. But I find so little value and pleasure inherently out of my work. But I know that some of the blame has to do with my perspective on things. When I consider what I might do other than programming, the things that come to mind are very similar to what I was doing in youth group. Helping out with high school and junior high school is something most everyone would think is highly gratifying - and yet I burned out. It became work to me as well. I read about this too - about people who leave their careers to go into the 'ministry' only to find themselves feeling like it's work anyways.
I need to become in sync with God and His Holy Spirit. It really is about perspective. The writer of Ecclesiates always talks about things "under the sun". But God sees from above the sun. We had a bible study about the Holy Spirit last night and there was this one part where the writer mentions how God works from within and touches the deepest parts of our being. And when we live in submission to Him and learn to listen and 'be' what He's made us to be, we 'just know' what pleases Him. And this is the answer most married couples give when asked "how did you know he/she was the one"..."uh....I just knew". I always say how I hate that answer, but I've come to see it's because I'm such a control freak. I even want my desires to be in my control. Part of that motivation is right - that my desires do need to be in control - but I'm starting to see that *I* cannot control this part of me (or many other parts of me for that matter). God has made me a new creation and His Spirit is the teacher, convictor, enlightener, and sanctifiying power. I am powerless against my flesh and powerless to generate fruit. I need the Holy Spirit. The idea that "streams of living waters" will flow from within is something I long for and I'm finally taking steps to trust that He can do so, rather than trying to manufacture it myself. I'm starting with dropping everything that entangles me - I'll share more about that next time. In the meantime, I'm still working on shortening my entries. ha ha! =) Thanks for reading, my friends.
Last weekend was so fun! I got to golf, take communion at church, and watch the SuperBowl. Too bad the Raiders lost so bad, tho - I was really hoping they'd win. But I'm happy for Warren Sapp and John Gruden. But since then, man, work's been nasty this week. There late every night, everyone's tired & stressed - kinda running outta gas. I think we all need a vacation. But then again, that's part of the problem, one of our team memebers just went to India for a month so the other 4 of us are gonna have to pick up her work.
But I gotta catch myself & not complain. So many people are looking for work right now, trying to pay off debts, stuck where they're at, etc. Overall, I'm in a very good spot, possessing the freedom to stay or to move (which I will eventually) and I'm debt free. But then question becomes "to where?" Toward what vocation will I move? Everyday these days, when I go to work, I'm thinking to myself that I really don't like programming anymore - not that I ever really *liked* it, but it was easily tolerable. These days, it's almost maddening, the detail to which we have to work.
[small aside from my main train of thought regarding meaningfulness & work - in terms of being someone who's good with details - I realize I don't like what programming does to me in terms of being detail oriented. Being detail oriented is the positive spin on being petty/picky - which is something I don't want to be anymore. I'm starting to see that programming is all about thinking of small details as very important, and they are; but that's exactly what being petty is & it's so easy for that to carry over to other areas of my life. For example, in writing code, choosing to write a loop one way over another can cause your program to run slower or faster. And people at work (and especially my manager) can talk about this detail for hours! I see this happening to me and my coworkers where we'll debate about which way out of the parking lot is faster, I think alot about how I walk somewhere or how I organize things! Argh! It's so lame. I feel in me a desire and a movement toward thinking about the 'big picture'. Not interested in details so much as vision and ideas. Where I'm going and what it means is becoming much more prominent than being efficient or accurate. Programming is NOT the place for this kind of urge to have it's expression....]
Whew! Ok, with that out of my system, let me get back to my main point. So yeah, I feel like programming itself is so meaningless. Sure, the money I make supports the church and other efforts, I can be a witness at work. But I find so little value and pleasure inherently out of my work. But I know that some of the blame has to do with my perspective on things. When I consider what I might do other than programming, the things that come to mind are very similar to what I was doing in youth group. Helping out with high school and junior high school is something most everyone would think is highly gratifying - and yet I burned out. It became work to me as well. I read about this too - about people who leave their careers to go into the 'ministry' only to find themselves feeling like it's work anyways.
I need to become in sync with God and His Holy Spirit. It really is about perspective. The writer of Ecclesiates always talks about things "under the sun". But God sees from above the sun. We had a bible study about the Holy Spirit last night and there was this one part where the writer mentions how God works from within and touches the deepest parts of our being. And when we live in submission to Him and learn to listen and 'be' what He's made us to be, we 'just know' what pleases Him. And this is the answer most married couples give when asked "how did you know he/she was the one"..."uh....I just knew". I always say how I hate that answer, but I've come to see it's because I'm such a control freak. I even want my desires to be in my control. Part of that motivation is right - that my desires do need to be in control - but I'm starting to see that *I* cannot control this part of me (or many other parts of me for that matter). God has made me a new creation and His Spirit is the teacher, convictor, enlightener, and sanctifiying power. I am powerless against my flesh and powerless to generate fruit. I need the Holy Spirit. The idea that "streams of living waters" will flow from within is something I long for and I'm finally taking steps to trust that He can do so, rather than trying to manufacture it myself. I'm starting with dropping everything that entangles me - I'll share more about that next time. In the meantime, I'm still working on shortening my entries. ha ha! =) Thanks for reading, my friends.
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